How does it feel?
Is it possible?
Few years ago, I was devastated, and nobody knew it. Nobody had an idea that I was fighting for myself. I could feel the warmth of my flesh, but my soul was cold as dew.
Yes, my soul died once. And I was saved by the love of God.
It took me ages to be completely healed. I was like a vase that have been fixed but the cracks remained. Until I get used to see it everyday and they always remind me that not everyone can make what I had surpassed.
There was a moment when I thought that I was fine, and I knew, it was trying to pull me back again. But I became cleverer. It cannot fool me again anymore.
One night, I was holding my phone and I just suddenly wrote my thoughts on Instagram in private. I’m not usually share my thoughts. But on this blog, I decided that I will never be selfish anymore. I know, somewhere out there, someone is doing his best in silence. I hope that at the end of the day, he will choose the right battle.
“Once in your life, you will find yourself at the lowest point. Maybe the others won’t know. Won’t tap. Or even bother to ask. It’s just you all alone. All things are going to be hard. Slowly, those things that were fond to do will turn into difficult ones. You will find that talking is tiring. Even waking up needs an effort.You feel nothing in everything but the tiredness is an exception.You think everyday, that every day feels heavier. Until tiredness becomes numbness. Then turn into emptiness.You want to cry but no tear is falling. You want to shout but no words are coming out.
Suddenly, you become tired of being tired. You feel the hunger of finding the unknown answers on how to be alive again. You try all the possible ways. Seems like it is a trial and error. Sometimes you feel satisfied. But most of the time, pointless. You know how to laugh again but at the end of the day, it’s just you all alone. I think it’s what people say… go with the flow. Yet, having no path at all.
Trying your best to search for the keys is a real struggle. Every now and then, you’ll be picky on who are you going to share yourself. Building strong barriers is better than having dummy faces that can break you into bits in the end. But some people are worthy to have a share of your pieces. Time is not easy but you will give it freely, willingly and joyfully. Then all the holes on your body are having patches of the care that you receive each and everyday.
But that is not the end. There will be days and nights that irrational thoughts will hunt you. Like eating your head and freeze you until dawn. Until you do nothing but to hide in the shadow. You will be fine that you are just breathing. In times like these, yes, deep breathing is everything. But please, don’t forget how far you have come. How many evils you have conquered. How many places you have reached. How many goals you have achieved. And most of all, how God saved, saves and will save you all the way. So do not let the fear stop you from dreaming and believing. Never stop to be the most amazing person you want to be. Live. Live to the fullest. Live to the fullest for Christ!”